I am flying on an airplane looking out the window …

Another day, another flight.  It seems lately that I have been spending my life on an airplane. While I am not nearly as weathered as some, I am approaching nearly half a million flight miles, something that I am not sure someone should be proud of.

I thought I would spend a few moments providing a state of plane travel update along with my recommendations for improvement.

The Good

Planes today are much safer than ever before. The hi-tech materials seem to be able to weather any storm on the radar.  Also, planes now travel much faster. I can’t imagine riding on an airplane from the ’50’s or ’60’s.  Made of wood or other materials and traveling a tenth of the speed current planes now do.

Ok, enough with the good. Let’s get to my wish list.

The Opportunity

Hygiene

  • Please remember to bathe. I must sit next to Sir Stinks-A-Lot every other flight I take. Wake up five minutes early and take a shower – with soap.
  • I actually don’t expect everyone to shower, so I would like to recommend “Security Showers” in the security line. We are already getting half naked anyway so that the X-Ray machines can get a peek, why not take it a step further and have shower sprays as we walk through?
  • Instead of barf bags in every seat pocket, let’s have a Swag Bag filled with personal care items. These items would include soap, Lysol disinfectant spray, nose plugs and a pine tree air freshener.

Families

I am a family man and I love my kids, but flights mixed with families and business travelers just don’t jive. I just finished a flight to Orlando filled with crying kids and Disney moms. Both are extremely obnoxious. Contrary to belief, I don’t like my seat to be kicked, I don’t like my ear drums bursting from screaming wails and I don’t like to hear how many times you plan on riding Dumbo.

  • Families in back, personal travelers in middle, business travelers in front. You can already imagine the progression of noise as you walk to the rear of the aircraft.
  • Have a Little Tikes playpen in the back and let the runts go wild. It just seems unnatural to hold down these kids for 3 or 4 hours at a pop. Let them play, as long as it’s in the back in the family section.
  • Same goes for TV’s. Airlines listen up, if you want satisfied business and family travelers provide free TV for the kids. TV is a better choice to occupy a child rather than have them running the aisles spilling drinks.

In-Flight Comforts

  • Every seat should be an individual pod, with full leg extension and tv. Some first class seats have this set-up, but this should be for everyone.
  • If pods are not feasible, then how about arm rest dividers that extend two feet up. Every person is always fighting for position on the arm rest. First come, first serve, that is of course until you move your arm and your friendly neighbor quickly steals the spot. Let’s have equality where the middle seat doesn’t have to sit like a sardine. Having the arm rest dividers will surely save a battle or two.
  • Speaking of battles, seats should not recline. I am tired of getting a concussion after the seat in front reclines, knocking my laptop into my head. Most passengers to understand to move their seat back up after a friendly shove on the seat, “oh, sorry reflex.” Those who don’t may have crumbs in the hair or the seat shake down.
  • Free wifi. I don’t get it, just make it available.
  • Warm chocolate chip cookies for everyone!

Misc.

  • Complimentary Ambien. Good night!
  • Make security X-Ray machines similar to the one in the original Total Recall movie. This would really move things along.
  • Get rid of the diner cart and bring Subway on board. $5 footlong at 25,000 feet, yum. By the way, how long have those snack boxes been sitting there anyway?
  • Ban anyone speaking on a cell phone. No one cares what you are saying, and why are you so loud? Are you that import? Just shut up.

And there you have it. A few fixes from a very tired traveler.

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